Pastor Proves Metal Is Evil, Without Using His Bible Once

The Free State, South Africa – Today pastor Francis Niemand from Church Alive Again gave an expository sermon, without using his Bible, not even once. The pastor greeted his congregation as he normally does and told them “today we are going to discuss this devil music kids listen to…” The man reached for his 1611 KJV Bible, without opening it once whilst putting it on the pulpit. “I have a million reasons why this thing called ‘heavy metal’ is evil” he said whilst turning his hands into fists, “have you ever heard it, it sounds just like the devil sounds… And believe me, I know how the devil sounds!”

 

The congregants who were in attendance all gave off amens and proceeded to sing on with the only ordained musical instrument, the organ. “I have done your research for you people, I have listened to this Seether band and can confirm you feel the very presence of evil as the songs play” said Niemand with his hands over his still closed Bible, a Bible that has over nine hundred verses directly dealing with the subject of music.

 

“Pastor Niemand is a very wise man, he has done his maths at pastor school” said one of the attendees. The Church Alive Again members came together with an agreement after the sermon, to picket a local charity concert raising money for AIDS victims, featuring the dreaded devil music bands – some of which had even claimed to be Christian bands themselves. “It is what any Christian should do” said a stern Niemand.